And I thought being half Vampyre/half Demon was hard.... That´s nothing compared to being a mother. Sweet baby Moses in a boob tube, there aren´t any books on raising True Immortals, so let me give you a few tips.... Make a map of every closet and bathroom in your home if you enjoy having sex. Sleep deprivation can cause confusion, and a map will help if you have only seven minutes and 31 seconds. You´re welcome. Parenting books are useless if you´re not human. If your child is half Vampyre/half Demon, I would suggest not using parenting books at all - they can backfire like a mother humper. Trust me on this. Have sex. When your child tells you he has an imaginary friend, do not discount this as fantasy. Oftentimes your child isn´t imagining anything. If he persists with alarming and violent stories about this fictional buddy, it´s probably a Troll. Do a thorough search of your home, and kill it. Decapitation works best. Some imaginary friends are harmless. However, it´s wise not to take chances. Have sex again. When in large crowds, make sure you hold tight to your child´s hand. Losing a child in an amusement park is terrifying. If you´re truly paranoid, you could consider putting a chip in your child. If you do this, don´t discuss it at dinner parties. People will think you are weird. At least cuddle. Playing with dolls is fun. Being one? No so much. If your child ever finds a Genie in a bottle, flush it immediately. Many children wish for things that are very difficult to reverse...like being doll sized. If this happens, move to Oz. There are many people of small stature there. And yes, it really does exist. Find a closet, and go to town. 1. Language: English. Narrator: Jessica Almasy. Audio sample: http://samples.audible.de/bk/adbl/025799/bk_adbl_025799_sample.mp3. Digital audiobook in aax.
Brittany is a sweet, voluptuous girl whos always been self-conscious about her weight. Her roommate, Darren, is a handsome black fitness trainer whos always dating skinny bimbos. The only thing Brittany thinks they have in common is a love for Brittanys cooking, but she couldnt be more wrong! Darren loves Brittanys extra pounds, hes just never felt confident enough to say it! ----- Excerpt ----- Darren brought his lips down to my ear. The thing is, Brit...the neck thing, the hips thing? Those are things you cant change. You get older and the skin sags...and theres nothing you can do about your hip bones. Now, belly fat, a chunky butt, thunder thighs, yeah, those things can shrink with cardiovascular exercise. But you... His hands slid down, down, down...until resting firmly on my ass. Youre just shaped the way God meant for women to be shaped. You have strong hips, you have skin that glows, and everything about you screams fertile and healthy and happy. Im... Was I panting? I could hardly breathe. But I didnt want this moment to end. All hed done was lay his hands on me and I felt more present than I ever had in my life. Im not happy, though, I whispered. He lifted his right hand, and took mine, and laid them together upon the flesh of my stomach. He pressed - he made me press - into my body. He gently massaged around my bellybutton. Why? he said. Because you dont look like Jessica? Like Cherine? Jessica had terrible skin, which comes from drinking too much alcohol, not drinking enough water, and throwing up too many nutrients. Cherine was nice, but she couldnt stop fixating on her breasts. She thought they were too wide apart, she thought her nipples were too dark. Darrens palm roved up, and for a second I thought he was going to grope my breast. But he held me. He just held me, firm, steady. Everybodys got something they dont like about themselves, he said. Thats natural. But if you cant see the difference between a real flaw and some bullshit comparison to somebody else, thats a problem. Jessicas solution was to cake on makeup. Cherines solution was to get a boob job. Oh, I said. His hands slid off my body and he twirled me, like we were dancing, and then we were facing each other. My white hands were almost lost inside his big, dark palms. He squeezed them to get my attention. I never asked you if you wanted me to train you because I never thought there was anything wrong with your body, he said. So think about that the next time someone tells you you have a fat ass. You have a big ass, girl, I aint gonna lie. But thats compared to all the girls out there who think that having no ass is a compliment. Your ass can do things... He bit his lip just as he was about to say something more. Anyway, I look the way I look because this is my job. I like the way I look, I like being in shape, but the world I work in is perched on a very fine line between good health and dysmorphia. You, Brit, you just have no idea how soft and smooth you feel. And you should never feel like you have to make excuses for being exactly who youre supposed to be. I... Why was he being so sweet to me? If I tried to actually form words, Id probably start crying. So I just nodded. Thanks, I managed to sputter. Hey... He brought his thumb up to wick away my first and last tear. That is not necessary. Now look, Im gonna do these dishes. You go take a bath or a shower or whatever you want to do. Hell, take a bubble bath. After a meal like that, you can have anything you want. Anything?
This peculiar collection is a very real treat: we envy you the reading of it. Among the treasures in this volume are The Last Dream of Bwona Khubla, How the Office of Postman Fell Vacant in Offord-Under-the-Wold, The Prayer of Boob Aheera, East and West, A Pretty Quarrel, How the Gods Avenged Meoul Ki Ning, The Gift of the Gods, The Sack of Emeralds, The Old Brown Coat, An Archive of the Older Mysteries, and A City of Wonder, and a section he called Beyond the Fields We Know, which included Publishers Note, Idle Days on the Yann, A Shop in Go-By Street, and The Avenger of Perdondaris. Dunsany had a weird, weird imagination, but unlike most folks who think weird thoughts, he had a powerful ability to write (as you can see if you look through the text). Edward John Moreton Drax Plunkett, 18th Baron of Dunsany (24 July 1878 - 25 October 1957) was an Anglo-Irish writer and dramatist; his work, mostly in the fantasy genre, was published under the name Lord Dunsany. More than eighty books of his work were published, and his oeuvre includes many hundreds of published short stories, as well as successful plays, novels and essays. He achieved great fame and success with his early short stories and plays, and during the 1910s was considered one of the greatest living writers of the English-speaking world; he is today best known for his 1924 fantasy novel The King of Elflands Daughter. Born and raised in London, to the second-oldest title (created 1439) in the Irish peerage, Dunsany lived much of his life at what may be Irelands longest-inhabited house, Dunsany Castle near Tara, worked with W. B. Yeats and Lady Gregory, received an honorary doctorate from Trinity College, Dublin, was chess and pistol-shooting champion of Ireland, and travelled and hunted extensively. He died in Dublin after an attack of appendicitis.